Whose Summer is it Anyway?

Abby Cole, Ph.D.

As the weather finally warms up, we all start thinking about vacation plans. For many parents, summer vacation with the kids is a favorite part of family life. But things get complicated with you are a divorced or separated family! Before you race to buy airplane tickets or sign your children up for summer camps, take the time to consider and discuss plans with your co-parent. Here are some questions every parent should ask before summer is upon us:

1. What traditions do my kids love and expect?

Children transition best into life post-divorce when the traditions that they enjoyed and relied upon throughout childhood are preserved post-divorce. If they have spent every July 4th at a family picnic, they will appreciate the continuity of playing with their cousins again this year. As you begin to map out plans for camps and trips, anchor the family calendar with important traditions. But don’t be extreme: If one side of the family spent every summer weekend together at a lakeside cottage, this doesn’t mean that the other parent won’t ever spend a weekend with the kids. Figure out which weekends are most important, so that the children maximize their sense of fun.

2. What changes are my kids ready for developmentally?

Often parents view divorce as an opportunity to introduce new experiences to their children. Perhaps you have wanted to send your children to sleep-away camp, or wanted them to try horseback riding or drama classes. Divorce does not grant you permission to go rogue, but you do have a voice and a vote in the planning for their summer. Be sure to ask yourself whether your kids are old enough and mature enough for the next steps that you want them to experience. If they are still adjusting to living in two homes, you might want to wait a year before introducing new developmental challenges. The goal is to find the right opportunities to help them grow without overwhelming them psychologically.

3. How does my vision for the summer fit into our financial realities?

Vacations which you take on your own time are paid for on your own dime, but camps and lessons are often paid for jointly by both parents. Don’t speak with your children about potential activities unless you have come to an agreement with your co-parent. You never want a child to become attached to a fantasy which the other parent cannot afford. A corollary of this is be sure you don’t make the other parent look bad in the eyes of the children, or lead them to believe that they could have done great things if only the other parent hadn’t ruined your plans.

4. How does the summer look from the vantage point of my kids?

Whenever you make a parenting decision, you should always put yourself in the shoes of your kids, and ask whether you are meeting their desires and needs. This is not to say that children make all the decisions; they all have opinions, but important decisions are made by the grown- ups. However, all parents should be considering how the summer feels to the kids. For instance, if the children were used to relaxed summer afternoons at the local pool, they may feel constrained when insistence on a strict 50-50 schedule means they are home with a babysitter while a parent finishes their workday. If your teenager longs to sleep in on summer mornings, they will be very resentful of early-morning transitions to the other parent. Flexible arrangements with the other parent provide a more child-friendly experience than rigid adherence to ratios and schedules.

5. Work with the other parent, not against them.

No one loves your children more than you and your co-parent. Remember that they also are trying to provide the best experience for the kids, just like you are. Don’t compete with them for the grandest experience or the most days. Instead, focus on what you can contribute to make the children’s summer peaceful, interesting and fun. Generosity towards your co-parent will be repaid in kind when both of you are focused on giving your kids the best possible summer.

6. What if we can’t agree?

You always have options if you and your co-parent don’t agree. One option is to return to your collaborative divorce team, or to the divorce coach who helped you to build your parenting plan. Even if your divorce was initially resolved through court, you can resolve differences non- adversarially by locating a co-parenting counsellor or a mediator. Returning to court is always your last option. If informal conversation can resolve your differences and help you plan a beautiful summer for your children, that will always be preferable to re-opening litigation.