7 Tips for Getting Through Difficult Conversations

Originally based on an article by Loren Soeiro, Ph.D., ABPP, published by Psychology

Today. Contributed and adapted for We Mediate by Wendy Habelow, Ph.D.

Difficult conversations are part of every relationship. Whether you are talking with a

spouse, co-parent, child, friend, family member, or colleague, there are times when

something important needs to be said and it can feel uncomfortable, uncertain, or

emotionally loaded.

You may be preparing to talk through a conflict in your relationship, ask for a change in

behavior, discuss a parenting concern, or work through hurt feelings. These

conversations can leave you feeling anxious and distracted before they even begin.

The good news is that there are ways to make difficult conversations more open,

productive, and less likely to turn into blame or defensiveness.

1. Have a Goal in Mind

Before you begin the conversation, take a moment to identify what you are hoping to

accomplish.

Be specific. Instead of entering the conversation with a general feeling of frustration or

anger, think about what you want to be different when the conversation is over.

For example:

• Do you want to feel more heard?

• Are you asking for a change in behavior?

• Do you want to solve a particular problem together?

Try not to go into the conversation simply to “get it all out.” Focus on what you want to

achieve and, if possible, think about one or two possible solutions before you begin.

2. Use a Non-Blaming Communication Style

One of the quickest ways for a difficult conversation to go off track is for the other

person to feel blamed or attacked.

Instead of saying:

“You always do this.”

Try saying:

“When this happens, I feel frustrated, hurt, or overwhelmed.”

A helpful format is:

“When you do X, I feel Y.”

This approach allows you to explain the impact of the other person’s actions without

accusing them of intentionally hurting you.

Before the conversation, try to identify your feelings and think about how to express

them in a calm, neutral way.

3. Recognize That Most Problems Have More Than One Cause

Relationship problems are rarely entirely one person’s fault.

Even when you feel strongly that the other person has contributed to the problem, it is

often helpful to acknowledge that conflict develops through the interaction between two

people.

Ask yourself:

• Is there anything I may have contributed to this situation?

• Is there something I could do differently going forward?

Recognizing your own role does not mean taking all the blame. It means approaching

the conversation with openness rather than defensiveness.

4. Accept Criticism if It Is Relevant

When you bring up a concern, the other person may respond with concerns of their

own.

If their feedback is related to the issue being discussed, try to listen openly and

acknowledge any part that feels true.

You do not have to agree with everything they say, but being willing to consider their

perspective can keep the conversation productive.

At the same time, try not to let the conversation get completely redirected. If another

issue comes up, it is okay to say:

“I hear that this is important too, and I’d like to come back to it after we finish talking

about this issue.”

5. Phrase Requests Positively

Whenever possible, describe what you would like to happen rather than focusing only

on what you want to stop.

For example, instead of saying:

“We never spend any time together.”

You might say:

“I would like us to spend more time together and find a way to reconnect.”

Or instead of:

“You need to stop criticizing me.”

You could say:

“I would appreciate it if we could speak to each other more respectfully.”

Positive requests tend to feel less threatening and give the other person something

concrete to respond to.

6. Don’t Feel the Need for Total Victory

A successful difficult conversation does not always end with complete agreement.

Sometimes the goal is simply to communicate your thoughts clearly and respectfully, so

the other person has a chance to hear and consider them.

People often need time to process difficult topics. Even if the conversation does not go

perfectly, that does not mean it was unsuccessful.

Try to let go of the need to “win.” Instead, focus on whether the conversation moved

things in a more honest, respectful, and constructive direction.

7. Don’t Forget to Listen

Listening may be the most important part of any difficult conversation.

When we feel emotional or anxious, it is easy to focus on what we want to say next. But

real communication happens when both people feel heard.

Slow down. Ask questions. Try to understand the other person’s point of view, even if

you do not agree with it.

You might try phrases such as:

• “Help me understand what this has been like for you.”

• “What do you need from me right now?”

• “I want to make sure I’m understanding what you’re saying.”

Listening with empathy does not mean you have to give up your own perspective. It

simply means creating enough space for both people to feel respected.

This article is adapted from “7 Tips for Getting Through Difficult Conversations” by

Loren Soeiro, Ph.D., ABPP, originally published in Psychology Today. Contributed by

Wendy Habelow, Ph.D.